SeCrit #10

By the time the dragons found me, I figured it was too late. The blood leaking from my torn skin slowed from a trickle to drops, like the steady ticking of a clock. Drip, drop, drip. Time was up—when I needed it to call out for someone, to fight, to run, but I couldn't. I couldn't do anything. Because I saw the Olympians, the gods; therefore, I must be dead.
But reality returned in a violent lurch, releasing me from the darkness dragging me down, down, deeper down. They arrived in a frenzy of movement and sound. Pounding footsteps crushing the grass parched dry from summer's heat. Faces whirling above, varicolored masks. Swelling voices. Hands on my body, touching the wet, sticky scarlet stains.
The twelve gods watched, stoic and silent. The sight of them fading didn't make me realize I still lived, that my heart still pumped and my lungs still inflated with precious air. It was him, the sight of the boy with the pale skin and messy auburn hair and improbably bright blue eyes. It was his words of Hang on grounding me in the here, the now. It was him calling my name, calling me. He kept me from letting go.

The critique:

By the time the dragons found me, I figured it was too late. (You definitely had me at dragons.) The blood leaking from my torn skin slowed from a trickle to drops, like the steady ticking of a clock. Drip, drop, drip. Time was up—when I needed it to call out for someone, to fight, to run, but I couldn't. I couldn't do anything. (Who is this character? Where is this situation taking place? I love the tension of this paragraph. Starting your story here is definitely an attention grabber, but the reader is left unsure of the time and place. We need a little more solid detail to really connect with the narrator.) 

Because I saw the Olympians, the gods; therefore, I must be dead. (I'm not sure I understand what this line means. Why does this mean he/she is dead? With dragons existing in the world, I feel like Olympians and dragons could co-exist. So I'm a little thrown by this last part. I'm intrigued by the mention of the Olympians, that's for sure. But I'm still not entirely sure what's happening. The narrator is fighting a dragon, clearly. But how did the character get here?)

But reality returned in a violent lurch, releasing me from the darkness dragging me down, down, deeper down. They arrived in a frenzy of movement and sound. Pounding footsteps crushing the grass parched dry from summer's heat. Faces whirling above, varicolored masks. Swelling voices. Hands on my body, touching the wet, sticky scarlet stains. (Who? The Olympians? Where did they came from? What is their relation to the narrator? Initially you tell us that the sight of them means he/she is dead, so the Olympians come off as bad. I'm not sure that's how you meant it. Perhaps this could be clarified by tweaking the sentence in which they are first mentioned.) 

The twelve gods watched, stoic and silent. (They come running but then they stall. Where did the urgency go?) The sight of them fading didn't make me realize I still lived, that my heart still pumped and my lungs still inflated with precious air. It was him, the sight of the boy with the pale skin and messy auburn hair and improbably bright blue eyes. It was his words of Hang on grounding me in the here, the now. It was him calling my name, calling me. He kept me from letting go. (I'm still not sure if the MC is a boy or a girl, but I think the first 250 could be fleshed out a bit more to give the reader something to work off of. As I mentioned before the tension is fantastic, but I'd like to feel more like I was there watching this happen, as opposed to confusing myself by trying to catch up to a story I was thrown into. With that being said, this is a great start! I'm absolutely intrigued with this story and would love to read more, but would like to see a few more details to really get a grasp on the time and place and the why of what's happening.)

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