Tuesday, June 4, 2013

SeCrit #8 (First 250)


Dear Secret Critiquer, 

Whenever I envisioned coming face to face with my family's murderers, the scene always took place in a courtroom or jailhouse, complete with dramatic tears on my part and pleas for forgiveness on theirs. They would confess their sins, tell me why they had broken into my house that summer night and killed my parents and my brother, and I'd be able to move on with my life. After four years of unfounded hope, I resigned myself to never finding the closure I desperately needed, and vowed to forget about the past and focus on my future.

It turned out I hadn't been thinking low enough, because the scene wasn't nearly that dramatic. I finally found two of the killers during something as mundane as a corporate takeover.

The day started off normally enough. The Detour landed on Psyche, a mining colony in the asteroid belt, just after local dawn. The ship's cargo hold was filled to the brim with perishable food items transported all the way from Earth, earning the crew much-needed funds on this trip. I entered the hold as soon as the Detour was secured at the gate, and proceeded to scan the supplies before they were taken off the ship. It was our typical routine for landing and unloading on a colony, and after five years I was an old pro at it.

I worked for Rodriguez Shipping, a small food distribution company owned by my pseudo-uncle, John. When I was younger, I never imagined having this sort of career.

Critique: 


Dear Secret Critiquer, 


Whenever I envisioned coming face to face with my family's murderers, the scene always took place in a courtroom or jailhouse, complete with dramatic tears on my part and pleas for forgiveness on theirs. (Great first line. You definitely have my attention. I'm curious to know the timeline here. How long ago were they murdered? How? Why? It definitely strikes interest, and that's a good thing!) They would confess their sins, tell me why they had broken into my house that summer night (What summer night? When? This sentence is a little too vague. Give us a timeline to work with.) and killed my parents and my brother, and I'd be able to move on with my life. After four years of unfounded hope, (Okay NOW we have a timeline. I would maybe fit this into the previous sentence. Also, what happened with the killers? Were they not found? Why didn't anything happen? I feel like something should have happened after four years.) I resigned myself to never finding the closure I desperately needed, and vowed to forget about the past and focus on my future. (This is kind of asking a lot. I mean her whole family was brutally killed, the MC got zero closure, and now they're moving on with their life? That seems too easy. Make us feel the pain. Why should we care about this character? We need more to really get a feel for her/his situation.)

It turned out I hadn't been thinking low enough, because the scene wasn't nearly that dramatic. I finally found two of the killers during something as mundane as a corporate takeover. (How did she/he find them? Why not leave it to the police? And if she/he is a teenager, how did they find the killers during a corporate takeover? We need more information to connect with the story.) 

The day started off normally enough. The Detour landed on Psyche, a mining colony in the asteroid belt, just after local dawn. (I'm a little confused here. If this is sci-fi, I feel as though you should set up the world building a little sooner so we don't jump right into something we can't quite picture. Up until this point this story could take place at any point in time. Present, past, etc. Tell us what year it is. Give us details that explain the world so that when this sentence comes up, we have a better idea of the time/place.) The ship's cargo hold was filled to the brim with perishable food items transported all the way from Earth, earning the crew much-needed funds on this trip. I entered the hold as soon as the Detour was secured at the gate, and proceeded to scan the supplies before they were taken off the ship. It was our typical routine for landing and unloading on a colony, and after five years I was an old pro at it. (So it's been four years after her family was murdered. Now it's been five years including those four? Did she grow up on this ship?)

I worked for Rodriguez Shipping, a small food distribution company owned by my pseudo-uncle, John. When I was younger, I never imagined having this sort of career. (I think it's very important for you to set up the stage in more detail. First we have a bomb dropped on us about her/his whole family being killed, and now we're set up on a ship being told a backstory. Let us take in the fact that this person has lost their entire family. Make us feel what she feels. She/he must be lost and struggling with all sorts of emotions. Describe her life up until this point. It doesn't have to be super long or info dumpy, but something that gives us a better idea of who this person is before ripping us away from the conflict.)

This manuscript has a very strong opening and an intriguing premise. It only needs a little tweaking to make the audience understand where the main character is coming from. Thank you so much for participating in SeCrit! 

And thank you so much to everyone who submitted their first 250! Be on the lookout for more critiques coming from Life of Writers. Share your thoughts on this entry in the comments below. 


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