And on to the query. Keep in mind that these suggestions and changes are one opinion, and the author should feel free to keep or tweak whatever they want:
Dear Secret Critiquer,
Quarantined in the Tower, twenty-three-year-old Florence Shu works alone in her lab researching a cure no one’s come close to finding in fifteen years. Her mentor’s true unmerciful character, revealed when Flor’s relationship with Jay Charmont is discovered, makes her begin questioning for the first time both her role in the Tower and the reasons why they’d give its protection to a homeschooled pathologist. Jay’s sudden return makes it impossible to ignore her growing doubts or the potential danger.
At the Tower, Jay discovers Florence broke his heart to keep him away—and she didn’t do it by choice. His return will get Flor in trouble if he’s caught. The kind of trouble that almost got her killed last time. He’ll leave again to protect her, but when he comes back he’ll take more than the vaccine. He wants a future together, and Flor is finally willing to follow him out of quarantine to have one.
But when Jay doesn’t come back on schedule, Flor knows something’s happened. She has to make a choice: stay safe or go after him. Faced with the extent of her mentor’s treachery, she decides to take her chances outside and find Jay. Flor’s flight from the Tower ignites a search for a secret lab, uncovering an old conspiracy and long-term sabotage that’s all but annihilated humanity. The cure is there, somewhere, but Jay and Flor aren’t the only ones looking for the truth.
The first of three planned romance novels, The Tower is a science fiction reimagining of Rapunzel, complete at 60,000 words. The sequels would follow secondary characters in the same world. I am currently abroad in Berlin and working on my next novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Critique:
Dear Secret Critiquer,
Quarantined in the Tower, twenty-three-year-old Florence Shu works alone in her lab researching a cure no one’s come close to finding in fifteen years. [This is a great hook!] Her mentor’s true unmerciful character, revealed when Flor’s relationship with Jay Charmont is discovered, [Two things about this line: why would her mentor reveal his true character after learning about Flor's romance? And two, it would be beneficial to know more about who Jay Charmont] makes her begin questioning for the first time both her role in the Tower and the reasons why they’d give its protection to a homeschooled pathologist [Is this her mentor?]. Jay’s sudden return makes it impossible to ignore her growing doubts or the potential danger. [Ah, so Jay has returned to the Tower. Maybe insert this detail earlier on.]
At the Tower, Jay discovers Florence broke his heart to keep him away—and she didn’t do it by choice. His return will get Flor in trouble if he’s caught. [Okay, so the fact that he's there is a secret. Again, it would be great to have this information in the beginning. It would be fairly easy, I think. You could use something as simple as 'his secret return'.] The kind of trouble that almost got her killed last time. He’ll leave again to protect her, but when he comes back he’ll take more than the vaccine. He wants a future together, and Flor is finally willing to follow him out of quarantine to have one.
But when Jay doesn’t come back on schedule, Flor knows something’s happened. She has to make a choice: stay safe or go after him. Faced with the extent of her mentor’s treachery, she decides to take her chances outside and find Jay. Flor’s flight from the Tower ignites a search for a secret lab, uncovering an old conspiracy and long-term sabotage that’s all but annihilated humanity. The cure is there, somewhere, but Jay and Flor aren’t the only ones looking for the truth. [Love this entire paragraph.]
The first of three planned romance novels, The Tower is a science fiction reimagining of Rapunzel, [Cool!] complete at 60,000 words. The sequels would follow secondary characters in the same world. [Since this novel could serve as a stand-alone, I would consider removing this fact from the query. It can always be mentioned when you have your agent or that first sale!] I am currently abroad in Berlin and working on my next novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Again, thanks to everyone who submitted and special thanks to the author of this submission! And remember, folks, we want to encourage all of you to add your own thoughts in the comments.
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