SeCrit #10

By the time the dragons found me, I figured it was too late. The blood leaking from my torn skin slowed from a trickle to drops, like the steady ticking of a clock. Drip, drop, drip. Time was up—when I needed it to call out for someone, to fight, to run, but I couldn't. I couldn't do anything. Because I saw the Olympians, the gods; therefore, I must be dead.
But reality returned in a violent lurch, releasing me from the darkness dragging me down, down, deeper down. They arrived in a frenzy of movement and sound. Pounding footsteps crushing the grass parched dry from summer's heat. Faces whirling above, varicolored masks. Swelling voices. Hands on my body, touching the wet, sticky scarlet stains.
The twelve gods watched, stoic and silent. The sight of them fading didn't make me realize I still lived, that my heart still pumped and my lungs still inflated with precious air. It was him, the sight of the boy with the pale skin and messy auburn hair and improbably bright blue eyes. It was his words of Hang on grounding me in the here, the now. It was him calling my name, calling me. He kept me from letting go.

The critique:

By the time the dragons found me, I figured it was too late. (You definitely had me at dragons.) The blood leaking from my torn skin slowed from a trickle to drops, like the steady ticking of a clock. Drip, drop, drip. Time was up—when I needed it to call out for someone, to fight, to run, but I couldn't. I couldn't do anything. (Who is this character? Where is this situation taking place? I love the tension of this paragraph. Starting your story here is definitely an attention grabber, but the reader is left unsure of the time and place. We need a little more solid detail to really connect with the narrator.) 

Because I saw the Olympians, the gods; therefore, I must be dead. (I'm not sure I understand what this line means. Why does this mean he/she is dead? With dragons existing in the world, I feel like Olympians and dragons could co-exist. So I'm a little thrown by this last part. I'm intrigued by the mention of the Olympians, that's for sure. But I'm still not entirely sure what's happening. The narrator is fighting a dragon, clearly. But how did the character get here?)

But reality returned in a violent lurch, releasing me from the darkness dragging me down, down, deeper down. They arrived in a frenzy of movement and sound. Pounding footsteps crushing the grass parched dry from summer's heat. Faces whirling above, varicolored masks. Swelling voices. Hands on my body, touching the wet, sticky scarlet stains. (Who? The Olympians? Where did they came from? What is their relation to the narrator? Initially you tell us that the sight of them means he/she is dead, so the Olympians come off as bad. I'm not sure that's how you meant it. Perhaps this could be clarified by tweaking the sentence in which they are first mentioned.) 

The twelve gods watched, stoic and silent. (They come running but then they stall. Where did the urgency go?) The sight of them fading didn't make me realize I still lived, that my heart still pumped and my lungs still inflated with precious air. It was him, the sight of the boy with the pale skin and messy auburn hair and improbably bright blue eyes. It was his words of Hang on grounding me in the here, the now. It was him calling my name, calling me. He kept me from letting go. (I'm still not sure if the MC is a boy or a girl, but I think the first 250 could be fleshed out a bit more to give the reader something to work off of. As I mentioned before the tension is fantastic, but I'd like to feel more like I was there watching this happen, as opposed to confusing myself by trying to catch up to a story I was thrown into. With that being said, this is a great start! I'm absolutely intrigued with this story and would love to read more, but would like to see a few more details to really get a grasp on the time and place and the why of what's happening.)

Thank you so much to all who submitted! Please be sure to check back for more critiques. And thank you to the awesome author of this entry for allowing us to share this on our blog. If you'd like to add some constructive feedback to this entry, feel free to voice your thoughts in the comment section. 

SeCrit #9

Hi lovelies!

Today we're taking a look at an entry that caught me from the first line. It references death, and I'm a sucker for death/murder/mayhem in novels. So here goes!

The first time I almost died happened on my sixteenth birthday.

The second might possibly be today.

At least it would be a decent day to die. Last time, it rained.

This time, with dawn yet to arrive, not a cloud obscured the sky. The wind sang through the trees surrounding the flat, bare stretch of land I knelt on. Sharp stones stabbed through my jeans, pricked my skin. Now, I remained calm, free of confusion and fear—well, I shouldn't bother with lying. Calm did not apply when the fear pulsing in my stomach made me feel a minute away from puking, but at least I'd skipped breakfast. 

I stared at a patch of dry weeds, their brittle ends swaying lightly. Such a normal sight, even here in Gaia, home of myth, legends, and secrets older than your grandmother. Home. This was home, even if I'd been forced to return from Earth, sequestered by the pride for a week, unknowing of their reasons for wanting me back.

Screw that. 

It wasn't reasons; try reason. Because Gaia residents didn't stay in the human world for two-years, which I did. Meaning they sure as hell didn't receive a homecoming, a warm welcome from the dragons, which I didn't. The most damning of all for me, though, boiled down to being acknowledged as one thing, and one thing only.

Human. 

I might look it, sound it—smell it? I sniffed my shoulder—but no mythical creature could be robbed of their true identity. 

Critique:

The first time I almost died happened on my sixteenth birthday. [So something about this first line sounds a little awkward. The concept is cool, but the way it's worded needs to be adjusted. It could be as simple as "The first time I almost died was on my sixteenth birthday." Or you could tell us what your character was doing on that day, like "The first time I almost died I was knitting a sweater on my sixteen birthday." etc.] 

The second might possibly be today. 

At least it would be a decent day to die. Last time, it rained. [Why would it have been a crappy to die on a rainy day? Does your character not like rainy days? We don't know him/her enough yet or this world to understand why that would suck. Was he/she outside when he/she almost died, and that's why it would suck? More detail, or possible change that detail.]

This time, with dawn yet to arrive, not a cloud obscured the sky. The wind sang through the trees surrounding the flat, bare stretch of land I knelt on. Sharp stones stabbed through my jeans, pricked my skin. Now, I remained calm, free of confusion and fear—well, I shouldn't bother with lying [I'm a little confused. Is...your character lying about being "free of confusion and fear"? We don't know him/her well enough yet to understand if he/she is being facetious, or if he/she is genuinely afraid and screwing with us. How about adding in some physical action or internal dialogue that will help us out. If he/she takes a deep breath, shoves her shaking hands in her pocket, or swallows down the sick feeling crawling up her throat, it'll help us understand if she really is scared or not.]. Calm did not apply when the fear pulsing in my stomach made me feel a minute away from puking, but at least I'd skipped breakfast. [Ah, there is it. So she really is scared. I suggest cutting out the "telling" part here. You don't actually have to tell us she's fearful for us to get the point. Giving your reader a physical action or a blip of internal dialogue will help us come to our own conclusions about what's going on here.]

I stared at a patch of dry weeds, their brittle ends swaying lightly. Such a normal sight, even here in Gaia, home of myth, legends, and secrets older than your grandmother. Home. This was home, even if I'd been forced to return from Earth, sequestered by the pride for a week, unknowing of their reasons for wanting me back.

Screw that. 

It wasn't reasons; try reason. Because Gaia residents didn't stay in the human world for two-years, which I did. Meaning they sure as hell didn't receive a homecoming, a warm welcome from the dragons, which I didn't. The most damning of all for me, though, boiled down to being acknowledged as one thing, and one thing only. [Okay, so I just got pulled out of this story a little bit. I'm pretty confused on all this backstory and the addition of a different planet, and dragons, and a pride of some sort? We don't need that information now. The only purpose of these first 250 words is to pull us into the story and keep us there. We don't need all of this world-building information yet.   If you start out this story with how today might be the day this character almost dies, then we need THAT information. We need some action. What is trying to kill her? Is she running from something? You don't even have to fully explain what it is if it's a weird creature of some sort. You can just give us the essential details about that and get back to the action part of the story. That's what will pull your reader in. The backstory, that stuff can be sprinkled through later.]

Human. 

I might look it, sound it—smell it? I sniffed my shoulder—but no mythical creature could be robbed of their true identity.  [Interesting! I'm curious about this. Maybe you can introduce this part in the context of whatever is trying to kill your MC today.]


And there you have it, folks! What do you think, Secret Lifers? Do you agree with me? Or did I miss something? Comment below to add in your suggestions! And thanks to everyone who submitted this week. If we didn't get you this time, we'll try to catch you in our upcoming rounds. 

SeCrit #8 (First 250)

Dear Secret Critiquer, 

Whenever I envisioned coming face to face with my family's murderers, the scene always took place in a courtroom or jailhouse, complete with dramatic tears on my part and pleas for forgiveness on theirs. They would confess their sins, tell me why they had broken into my house that summer night and killed my parents and my brother, and I'd be able to move on with my life. After four years of unfounded hope, I resigned myself to never finding the closure I desperately needed, and vowed to forget about the past and focus on my future.

It turned out I hadn't been thinking low enough, because the scene wasn't nearly that dramatic. I finally found two of the killers during something as mundane as a corporate takeover.

The day started off normally enough. The Detour landed on Psyche, a mining colony in the asteroid belt, just after local dawn. The ship's cargo hold was filled to the brim with perishable food items transported all the way from Earth, earning the crew much-needed funds on this trip. I entered the hold as soon as the Detour was secured at the gate, and proceeded to scan the supplies before they were taken off the ship. It was our typical routine for landing and unloading on a colony, and after five years I was an old pro at it.

I worked for Rodriguez Shipping, a small food distribution company owned by my pseudo-uncle, John. When I was younger, I never imagined having this sort of career.

Critique: 

Dear Secret Critiquer, 

Whenever I envisioned coming face to face with my family's murderers, the scene always took place in a courtroom or jailhouse, complete with dramatic tears on my part and pleas for forgiveness on theirs. (Great first line. You definitely have my attention. I'm curious to know the timeline here. How long ago were they murdered? How? Why? It definitely strikes interest, and that's a good thing!) They would confess their sins, tell me why they had broken into my house that summer night (What summer night? When? This sentence is a little too vague. Give us a timeline to work with.) and killed my parents and my brother, and I'd be able to move on with my life. After four years of unfounded hope, (Okay NOW we have a timeline. I would maybe fit this into the previous sentence. Also, what happened with the killers? Were they not found? Why didn't anything happen? I feel like something should have happened after four years.) I resigned myself to never finding the closure I desperately needed, and vowed to forget about the past and focus on my future. (This is kind of asking a lot. I mean her whole family was brutally killed, the MC got zero closure, and now they're moving on with their life? That seems too easy. Make us feel the pain. Why should we care about this character? We need more to really get a feel for her/his situation.)

It turned out I hadn't been thinking low enough, because the scene wasn't nearly that dramatic. I finally found two of the killers during something as mundane as a corporate takeover. (How did she/he find them? Why not leave it to the police? And if she/he is a teenager, how did they find the killers during a corporate takeover? We need more information to connect with the story.) 

The day started off normally enough. The Detour landed on Psyche, a mining colony in the asteroid belt, just after local dawn. (I'm a little confused here. If this is sci-fi, I feel as though you should set up the world building a little sooner so we don't jump right into something we can't quite picture. Up until this point this story could take place at any point in time. Present, past, etc. Tell us what year it is. Give us details that explain the world so that when this sentence comes up, we have a better idea of the time/place.) The ship's cargo hold was filled to the brim with perishable food items transported all the way from Earth, earning the crew much-needed funds on this trip. I entered the hold as soon as the Detour was secured at the gate, and proceeded to scan the supplies before they were taken off the ship. It was our typical routine for landing and unloading on a colony, and after five years I was an old pro at it. (So it's been four years after her family was murdered. Now it's been five years including those four? Did she grow up on this ship?)

I worked for Rodriguez Shipping, a small food distribution company owned by my pseudo-uncle, John. When I was younger, I never imagined having this sort of career. (I think it's very important for you to set up the stage in more detail. First we have a bomb dropped on us about her/his whole family being killed, and now we're set up on a ship being told a backstory. Let us take in the fact that this person has lost their entire family. Make us feel what she feels. She/he must be lost and struggling with all sorts of emotions. Describe her life up until this point. It doesn't have to be super long or info dumpy, but something that gives us a better idea of who this person is before ripping us away from the conflict.)

This manuscript has a very strong opening and an intriguing premise. It only needs a little tweaking to make the audience understand where the main character is coming from. Thank you so much for participating in SeCrit! 

And thank you so much to everyone who submitted their first 250! Be on the lookout for more critiques coming from Life of Writers. Share your thoughts on this entry in the comments below. 

SeCrit Tuesday: NA Contemporary

First off, thanks to everyone who submitted their first 250 words for SeCrits this week. It's always so difficult to choose one, and the way I personally go about it varies. Most of the time, I read through each entry twice—once to get a gist of the story, and a second time to see if any ideas pop into my mind. It's also tough because while there are a ton I love (including a YA murder mystery), if I feel like they don't need that much work I have to leave them in the Secret Life inbox graveyard. *sniffs* 

This Tuesday's entry caught my eye because it's interesting, yet also something that could still use a little tweaking. So here it is, the first 250 words of a NA Contemporary. (Crit is in orange, per usual.)

Kate dropped the overloaded clothes basket on the floor with a thump and scanned her new dorm room. [A sense of scene here would be nice. What does this place look like? You don't have to go into a ton of detail; even just a quick description of the chipped paint and crooked bunk beds would help. Maybe her roommate's stuff is already there—sans roommate. That way we can get the sense that it's move-in day without having to tell us it's move-in day (see below).]   She heaved in and out, trying to catch her breath after carrying her last load of belongings up eight flights of stairs. [If you tell us about the room and the roommate's stuff, we don't need the heaving in and out sentence.] It was move-in day and she had grown annoyed with jockeying for a spot in one of two elevators and decided she could make it eight floors. [You can take out the part about specifically telling us it's move-in day if you shift some things around above :)]

She’d been assigned to room 808 of Summit Hall. The dorms consisted of two-bedroom suites with a main living area flanked by two smaller bedrooms. While she’d have her own bedroom and share the living space with a roommate, unfortunately she’d be sharing the bathroom down the hall with twenty other students. [Something about this paragraph is a little dry. These are the kind of details that are important, but they don't have to be told to us. Maybe Kate could shift through her roommate's stuff a little bit and find something weird in there, and then she can panic at the idea that she's going to have to share a microscopic space with a weirdo. OR Kate could poke her head in the bathroom and think something to herself like, "Not impressed." These are just suggestions, but overall, we need more showing, less telling.]

She glanced at the two bedroom doors, contemplating which room she'd take, when she heard shouting down the hall. [Move-in day is pretty loud, yeah? Especially since she had to fight for a spot in one of the two elevators. There's probably lots of shouting. What makes this shouting distinctive?]

"Hey. You dropped something!" It was a male voice. And then its tall, dark haired, blue eyed owner appeared in her doorway. He was holding her favorite gray t-shirt. "You dropped this." He held it out to her while trying to catch his breath. [Is he annoyed? Genuinely happy to help? Is there a weird expression on his face that gives away he isn't telling her about everything she dropped yet? Even just adding something like "with a smile" will help clear that up.]

She quickly grabbed the shirt. "Thanks." 

"Yea... you dropped something else," he replied, looking down the hallway. [Once again, I need a hint about what he's thinking. Is he smirking like he thinks it's funny? Or biting his lip because he's embarrassed for her? etc.]

She raised her eyebrows in response, wondering why he hadn't bothered to pick that up too. She leaned out the door to look down the hall, where she saw a pile of fuchsia on the floor in front of the door to the stairwell. And then she gasped as realization hit her. [Let's make this a touch more embarrassing, shall we? Yeah, it's embarrassing Hot Guy saw her bra, but what if it's in the middle of the hall and there are a ton of people stepping around it (being move-in day and all that)? Just a thought.]

It was her bra. [Haha, love! Poor Kate.]



There you have it, folks! What do you guys think? Suggestions/thoughts and welcome in the comments below.

Writing a Successful Query: A Special "SeCrit" Feature

Hi lovelies!

Today's SeCrit is going to be a little different. Instead of critiquing a user-submitted query, we're going to break apart one of our own successful queries and attempt to help you see how and why it worked. Below is Stefanie Gaither's original query, which had about a 2/3 request rate and resulted in multiple offers.

Okay, here we go!

Dear Agent,

I’m currently seeking representation for my YA novel, FALLS THE SHADOW. Given your interest in science fiction, I thought it might be something you’d enjoy reading. Here’s a quick look at the plot:

 [This first paragraph was pretty standard across all the queries Stef sent. Short, sweet, and to the point. A lot of people will make a big deal about bending over backwards to get really specific in the personalization and show that you've spent hours and hours stalking researching the agent. Which you should research, definitely. But if you've targeted your queries well enough (that is, you know it's definitely something the agent will want to read) then it should speak for itself--no elaborate declarations of love or personalizations necessary. In short: stop stressing over this. Story is most important.]

When Cate Benson was twelve, her sister died. Two hours after the funeral, they picked up Violet’s replacement, and the family made it home in time for dinner and a game of cards.

[This is the "hook" paragraph. Its purpose is to make the agent/editor sit up and pay attention, the same way the first line in the manuscript should do. Notice all of the things just these two sentences establish: character(s), the fact that this is sci-fi (as implied by the "replacement" bit), world-building and voice-- the non-nonchalant bit about the cards was a way of using voice to show that, in Cate and Violet's world, this "replacing" is commonplace. You have only so many words to work with in a query, so they should ALL count, and pull double-duty whenever possible. Actually, that's just a good rule of well-paced writing in general.]    

It's the year 2055, and Cate's parents are among the wealthy elite who can afford to give their children a sort of immortality—by cloning them at birth. So this new Violet has the same smile. The same laugh. That same perfect face. Thanks to advancements in mind-uploading technology, she even has all the same memories as the girl she replaced.  

[This paragraph builds on the intrigue established in the hook. At this point, you've (hopefully) already caught the reader's attention, so you can afford to elaborate a bit without worrying about losing them. If Stef had started with this paragraph, it probably would not have been as effective. This paragraph is important in its own right, though, because in sci-fi, worldbuilding is incredibly important-- so your query should demonstrate some level of it. Notice that it stays central to the characters, though, and includes only the worldbuilding necessary for developing the hook. There is a ton of other cool sci-fish stuff in the book, of course, but the query isn't the place to discuss that.]

She also might have murdered the most popular girl in school.

[And now we have our Story Worthy Problem-- our MC has a murder mystery to solve] 

Or at least, that’s what the paparazzi and the crazy anti-cloning protesters want everyone to think: that clones are violent, unpredictable monsters. Cate is used to hearing all that, though. She’s used to standing up for her sister too, and she’s determined to do it now—even if proving Violet’s innocence means taking on those protesters and anyone else attacking her family. But when her own life is threatened—not by protesters, but by the very scientists who created her sister’s clone—Cate starts questioning everything she thought she knew about the cloning movement. About herself. About her sister.

[Again, we've dropped a bomb of a hook about a possibly murderous sister, so now we have the reader's attention and can feed them a bit more information. This paragraph does two things at once: establishes more about the world of the book, and also about Cate's character by showing the way she deals with that world. It is all tightly intertwined to make the query feel more cohesive.]          

And the answers she finds reveal a more sinister purpose for her sister’s copy—and her own replacement—than she ever could have imagined.

[This last paragraph is purposefully vague, hinting at a bigger story and more complications to come.]

FALLS THE SHADOW is an accessible, character-driven sci-fi thriller of 81,000 words. The completed manuscript is available, in part or full, at your request. As per your agency’s guidelines, I’ve enclosed a SASE for your reply. Thanks for your time and consideration!

[Like the opening, the closing is short and sweet and to the point. Including "As per your agency's guidelines..." and whatever they ask for is just a quick and easy way to show you read said guidelines.]

A few random thoughts on query writing:

-Almost as important as what's in this query is what is not in it. There is no mention of subplots--nothing about the romance or the love interest (though there definitely is one of those), nothing about any other characters except for Cate and Violet. The reason? Because they are the crux of this particular story-- the characters that this story wouldn't exist without. Of course there are more characters, and they all complicate this story in their own way, but tangled and complicated is not what you're going for in a query. You don't want your query to seem muddled, because you don't want an agent/editor to think your book is just as muddled.

-Sometimes it's easier to write the query before you write the book (which is what Stef did with this query-- it changed very little through the process of writing the actual book). Because you don't get caught up in the aforementioned subplots and such, since you don't know about a lot of those subplots and intricacies and complications. Which is not helpful to those of you with completed books, but something to think about for future projects, maybe?

-Pay attention to white space. Break up your paragraphs. Set apart more dramatic lines (hooks), because it makes them feel more dramatic. Is it a cheap trick to manipulate reader's emotions? Of course it is. The same way using shorter sentences for dramatic effect and emphasis is. Writing is full of cheap tricks.

-You've probably heard this before, but a good way to think about queries is to think of them as cover copy on published books. That copy is intended to make a reader buy a book, and you're essentially doing the same thing here--trying to sell your pitch to agents/editors

-There is no completely wrong or right way to write a query, just like there's no wrong or right way to write a book. This query worked for Stefanie, and for her book, but all writing is subjective. Bottom line? You just need to make people want to read the thing, however possible. So take everything in this post with a grain of salt. Hopefully it helps in some way!

Feel free to post your query writing tips and tricks in the comments, or if anyone knows any great resources for query writing, share away!

Also, quick housekeeping note: 

The winner for our GAME OF SECRETS event will be announced tomorrow! And be sure to come back Thursday for an awesome author interview as well :)

SeCrit #4: Twitter Pitch

With the help of her dead brother, 17 y/o Seer Madeline Jacobs travels across the solar system to seek revenge on her family's murderers.  

 Critique: 

With the help of her dead brother, Okay, I'm listening. This first line definitely has my attention. It makes me go: Wait. What? DEAD brother? Now this is gonna be interesting. 17 y/o Seer Love that we get an idea of what this story is about by the use of one word. The use of "Seer" ties everything together. Madeline Jacobs travels across the solar system This is kind of where you lose me. What's a Seer doing out in the solar system? Is this a Sci-Fi? By the mention of Seer, I immediately thought it was more a supernatural. Now I'm picturing spaceships and comets, etc. Those two things don't seem to go together, so I feel like we need more information. Maybe a hint that this is indeed sci-fi or something that explains the world building. to seek revenge on her family's murderers. I feel like this should be more specific. Did someone indeed kill off her entire family? Or just her parents? How? By blowing up their planet? I realize that you only have 140 characters for a Twitter pitch but that's what makes them so important. I think if we have just a little bit more to go off of, it will help us picture the characters and setting for what sounds like a very interesting manuscript. 

Thank you so much to everyone who submitted their pitches and a big thanks to the author of this submission! I'm definitely curious to know more about this manuscript, so your pitch definitely works. I just feel like it needs a little something to make it really pop. Please share your thoughts and suggestions in the comments section!

SeCrit #3 (First 250 Words)

Title: SIGHTLESS

Genre: YA Urban Fantasy

A warm flush crept up Carly’s neck and onto her face as the crowd in the Flying Owl pressed in on her, their sweat and perfume becoming her own. She edged her way through the throng, pressing against damp backs and oversized purses until she came to a clearing near the bar. Leaning against the wall, she wiped her forehead. Her fingers came away shiny with sweat and make-up.

The voices around her morphed into a single yell as the band walked on stage. Carly tried to catch Tyler’s eye, but he bent over his amp, a crease between his eyes. She knew that nervous look, and it twisted her insides to see it now.

Despite the heat, a cool tingle crept up Carly’s spine. The people around her were looking everywhere but at her, but she couldn’t shake the feeling that she was being watched. She wrapped her arms around herself and searched the crowd. A moment later, the sea of people parted, and Carly locked eyes with a woman leaning against the bar.

Carly searched her face for some sign of familiarity. The woman stood up straight, and Carly saw that she was wearing skintight leather pants, a low-cut red shirt, and black, high-heeled boots. Hardly the wardrobe of a security guard.

           The corners of the woman’s mouth slowly curled into a knowing smile. Carly shivered. A yell went up around her and the crowd closed in around Carly once more.

 Critique:

A warm flush crept up Carly’s neck and onto her face as the crowd in the Flying Owl pressed in on her, their sweat and perfume becoming her own. She edged her way through the throng, pressing against damp backs and oversized purses until she came to a clearing near the bar. Leaning against the wall, she wiped her forehead. Her fingers came away shiny with sweat and make-up. Okay, here's what I get from this first paragraph: She's in a bar and it's hot. The setting itself is fine, but pretty much every sentence mentions or alludes to sweat. To me, that's over-describing just one aspect of the setting. What does this bar and its people feel like, not just physically, but what is the vibe? I get that the bar is packed, but from this description, I imagine a lot of sweaty people standing around. Is that what's happening? I would expect there to be a lot of talking, yelling for drinks, maybe dancing? Also, what is she doing there? I know you start to tell us that in the next paragraph, but you have plenty of opportunity to do it now and really hook me.

The voices around her morphed into a single yell as the band walked on stage. Carly tried to catch Tyler’s eye, but he bent over his amp, a crease between his eyes (do you mean “between his eyebrows”? Between his eyes seems awkward to me. Also, I wouldn't mind a tiny bit more description of Tyler here. Especially if he's the love interest ;) ). She knew that nervous look, and it twisted her insides to see it now. (I like this. I think it shows a lot about the character and the situation in few words. Well done.)

Despite the heat, a cool tingle crept up Carly’s spine. The people around her were looking everywhere but at her, but she couldn’t shake the feeling that she was being watched. She wrapped her arms around herself and searched the crowd. A moment later, the sea of people parted, and Carly locked eyes (“locked eyes” is kind of a cliché saying. Try using your voice to put your own spin on this, maybe?) with a woman leaning against the bar.

Carly searched (watch out for repeating words) her face for some sign of familiarity. The woman stood up straight, and Carly saw that she (you don't really need to tell us this. We know Carly's the one doing the seeing) was wearing (instead of "was wearing" how about "wore"?) skintight leather pants, a low-cut red shirt, and black, high-heeled boots. Hardly the wardrobe of a security guard. (Why are we assuming she's a security guard? This sentence seems to come out of nowhere.)

           The corners of the woman’s mouth slowly curled into a knowing smile. Carly shivered (I feel like I want more here as to why Carly is creeped out by this woman. She doesn't seem too creepy to me.). A yell (I highlighted “yell” here and earlier because you use it for the same thing. I want more of your voice, more description. Was it a frenzied scream? A collective chant of the band's name?) went up around her and the crowd closed in around Carly once more.

Notice how many times the character's name is said? This is one of those things I find tricky about third person. Knowing when to use the character's name and when not to. I think you've used it too much here. 

So, there you have it folks. Thanks to everyone who submitted and special thanks to the author of this submission! I think you have a great start, you just need to allow yourself to embellish, have fun with the words! And remember, folks, we want to encourage all of you to add your own thoughts in the comments!

Andrea's SeCrit: A YA Fantasy Query

[NOTE: I have no idea why some of the font below is gray, and some is black. So sorry. I tried to fix it forever and gave up.] 

Hey, everyone! 

I'll be heading up this round of SeCrits, and I've decided to critique a query this week. I actually like query writing (please don't murder me) so I'd thought I'd help out a reader in this department.

A couple of reasons why I chose the query below: 

• It's structurally sound overall, but it still needs a bit of work. 
Basically, I felt like I could help really tighten this up and polish it with word choice and fluency, which is my strength as a writer, I think.
• It's not a genre I usually read. I don't read a lot of fantasy, but in this case, that's good! Since I'm not really familiar with the nuances of the genre, I think I'm more likely to point out areas that don't make sense to us fantasy noobs, which I think will help the whole thing get clearer.
• I immediately had ideas how to fix it. This one's pretty self-explanatory. 

[But here's the thing: If you submitted a query to me, I read through them all. I'll also be emailing you all back about your queries and offering love/compliments/maybe a few simple suggestions to help you out. WOOT.] 

So now, on to the query + crit!

Dear Super Fantastic Agent, 

Sera is the heiress to the throne in a different dimension, but no one told her.  Consequently, she’s living a normal—albeit, boring—life, and then she’s whisked away by a (very rich and very attractive) guy, who then turns out to be an incubus, working for an evil queen, who is also Sera’s mother. 

Sera’s ‘parents’ also forgot to mention they’re actually rebels from Naian—the dimension Sera should be ruling—who stole her when she was an infant.  Oh, and there’s this ‘Foretelling,’ something Lucifer made up giving Sera the sole power to decide the outcome of Naian’s civil war.  Too bad everyone believes it’s true and is therefore trying to either kiss her ass or kill her. 

While she’s on this self-discovery kick, she also learns that she has an alien guy fetish.  First the incubus, then her rebel friend, Lux, who she meets on an interdimensional race against the regime for an explanation of the Foretelling.  Between solving riddles, facing monsters, traipsing all over hell, and surviving the attacks of Queen Anicetus’ vicious incubus, Sera and Lux get pretty hot for each other.
But, that’s the other problem.  The incubus.  The dark, sarcastic, damn-near-invincible incubus who oozes sex appeal and never loses.  His name is Lord Caden, and he has a thing for Sera. 

Though she’d rather not, Sera does have to choose between them—between Lux and Lord Caden, between the rebellion and the crown.  To some, it’d be obvious: monstrous regime = no go.  But Sera’s still a little annoyed with the people who lied to her for eighteen years, and there’s also the Lux/Lord Caden thing, which she would love to write off as an unimportant factor in deciding the fate of an entire world, but she can’t.  Her morality, her friendships, her future, and the liberation of a dimension may be at stake here, but Sera doesn’t know if she can resist Lord Caden. 

SHADOW is a YA fantasy complete at 97K, and it is the first in a planned series.
I am a black belt and a barista.  I also write stories for local papers in western Montana, and I attended the Backspace Writers Conference last year.  The first XX pages of my manuscript are pasted below. 

Okay, and now here are my thoughts after a few read-throughs:

Dear Super Fantastic Agent, 

Sera is the [If this is YA, we need an age here] heiress to the throne in a different dimension, but no one told her.  Consequently, she’s living a normal—albeit, boring—life, and then she’s whisked away by a (very rich and very attractive) guy, who then turns out to be an incubus, working for an evil queen, who is also Sera’s mother. [This is a lot of information in a kind of long sentence. I'd like to see the first sentence, which is just a little confusing and not as big of a hook as I think you'll need, combine with some information in the other sentences. I'm a big fan of the "When X happens, Y happens" format for the first line in queries. Here's an example: "When eighteen-year-old Sera, heiress to the throne of a different dimension, is whisked away from her home by a very hot guy, she thinks she's hit the royal jackpot. But when he turns out to be an incubus (maybe a different word for this, unless it's relevant to the story. I have no idea what it is or if it's good or bad?) working for an evil queen—who just happens to be Sera's mother—she must choose between blah blah blah and blah blah blah. Anyway, that's just a suggestion :)]

Sera’s ‘parents’ also forgot to mention they’re actually rebels from Naian—the dimension Sera should be ruling—who stole her when she was an infant  [Something about this is a little confusing. I thought Sera's mother was the evil queen? So the evil queen is her real mother and the people that have been raising her are the rebels? I think this could be clearer. Maybe this: "Sera discovers the people she thought were her parents are actually rebels from Naian, the dimension Sera was born to rule, and they've stolen her right out from under the queen's claws...etc.] .  Oh, and there’s this ‘Foretelling,’ [colon here instead of a comma, I think. It'll give it more punch.] something Lucifer [Who's Lucifer? Is it literally the devil in your story, or just someone named that? A little clarification here, even something like "something the devil himself made up...]  made up giving Sera the sole power to decide the outcome of Naian’s civil war.  Too bad everyone believes it’s true and is therefore trying to either kiss her ass or kill her. [Is Sera discovering this stuff about herself as she figures out she's realizing she should be ruling Naian? Otherwise, how would she know she's supposed to decide the outcome of the civil war, or how would people know she has this ability? I think just a simple "When Sera goes back to her home dimension, she finds that she has the sole power to decide the outcome... blah blah.]

While she’s on this self-discovery kick [Love this!], she also learns that she has an alien guy fetish.  First the incubus, then her rebel friend, Lux, who she meets on an interdimensional race against the regime for an explanation of the Foretelling.  Between solving riddles, facing monsters, traipsing all over hell [Oh, okay, so we're probably talking about the original Lucifer then. Can you let stupid people like me know that? :)], and surviving the attacks of Queen Anicetus’ [You didn't use her name above, so I wouldn't use it now. "The queen's attacks" would do just fine.] vicious incubus, Sera and Lux get pretty hot for each other.

But, that’s the other problem.  The incubus.  The dark, sarcastic, damn-near-invincible incubus who oozes sex appeal and never loses.  His name is Lord Caden, and he has a thing for Sera. u[I think this paragraph and the one above can be stitched together. A simple line at the end of the paragraph above will help connect the love triangle all in one paragraph: Maybe something like, "But even so, Sera still can't shake the dark and dangerous sex appeal of the incubus who stole her, and as she grows closer to Lux, the incubus never strays far from her thoughts.]

Though she’d rather not, Sera does have [must] to choose between them [not necessary]—between Lux and Lord Caden, between the rebellion and the crown.  To some, it’d be obvious: monstrous regime = no go.  But Sera’s still a little annoyed [I think she'd have to be more than a little annoyed. I know you put that in there for the "voice" factor, and it would have worked, I think, if an entire dimension wasn't at stake here, haha. I think she needs to be more than a little annoyed to sacrifice an entire world, right? So you can still do the voice thing, but maybe change it to something like "super pissed" etc.] with the people who lied to her for eighteen years, and there’s also the Lux/Lord Caden thing, which she would love to write off as an unimportant factor in deciding the fate of an entire world, but she can’t.  Her morality, her friendships, her future, and the liberation of a dimension may be at stake here, but Sera doesn’t know if she can resist Lord Caden. u[I need a bit of a stronger reason to believe that Sera would eff up a whole dimension for Lord Caden. Something like "...if she can resist Lord Caden and the promises he holds." would sufffice.] 

SHADOW is a YA fantasy complete at 97K, and it is the first in a planned series.
I am a black belt and a barista.  I also write stories for local papers in western Montana, and I attended the Backspace Writers Conference last year.  The first XX pages of my manuscript are pasted below. 

And that's it! Sorry for the obnoxious orange above; I don't like to critique a piece without giving a reason why it doesn't work and also a suggestion for what might work better. Hence the word overflow above. And remember, these are just my opinions. Obviously, keep what works for you and change what doesn't. I'm not the end-all, be-all of query writing!

Alright Secret Lifers, can you help this awesome writer out? Any suggestions for how to make this query shine even more? Are there things that I missed? 

"SeCrits" #1 (First 250 words)

First off, thank you SO MUCH to everyone who shared their work with us! If we had time to critique them all, we totally would. If yours wasn't chosen to be critiqued this time, then please feel free to submit to future "SeCrit" events (the next one is scheduled for February 12, 2013!). All entries from this first event will be deleted shortly.

So basically, when choosing which entry to critique, we read every single one that was submitted to us. Then, the person in charge of getting this post up simply picked the one that they thought they could make the most useful commentary on--both the positive and constructive type. There's not really anything scientific about it, and it's not a popularity contest or anything like that. Though, in the future, we do plan to give precedence to people who have participated in the comment section of previous SeCrit posts. You give critiques, you're more like to get them, savvy?

Okay, so without further ado, let's get on with it!

The brave, anonymous, awesome writer's first 250:

Title: GRIT OF BERTH AND STONE

Genre: YA Fantasy

Everything changes at midday. Grit clenched her fingers tightly around the hilt of her dagger as she stared at the ceiling above her straw-filled mat. Her dame, a wiry woman nearing forty, stood by the fireplace, one hand on her hip, the other using a hooked metal rod to replace the lid on the heavy, black cooking pot. A plan formed in Grit’s mind as she inhaled the fragrance of Dame Berth’s porridge. 

“You’ll miss your Branding if you lie there all day gawking at the ceiling,” Berth scowled just loudly enough for Grit to hear, but not so loudly as to wake the three younger children asleep on mats around the room.

Grit rolled onto her side and studied her bare arm. Fifteen perfect circles, starting at her shoulder and reaching nearly to her elbow in two offset rows, scarred her olive skin. Every year, on the anniversary of her birth, the branding rod etched each scar a little deeper before adding a new mark. Like all Threshan youth, Grit had been collecting these tokens of strength since the day she had achieved one year of life. Now, on the brink of adulthood, she determined to present a show of strength rarely seen among her people, to prove to herself as well as to her harsh dame that she, Grit of Berth and Stone, was beyond weakness, beyond pain, beyond fear, beyond control. 

“I’m getting up,” Grit growled.

She tossed aside her thin blanket and pulled her tunic over her messy head. 

And now, after several readthroughs, here are some thoughts:

Everything changes at midday. [This is a bit vague for an opening sentence, and it sort of pales in comparison when you get down to all the awesome fantasy-ish bits in the third paragraph. Could we make it more interesting? Can we somehow establish that this is an awesome, unique fantasy immediately, in this very first sentence? Also, the fact that it's present tense ("changes" instead of "changed") is strange.] Grit clenched her fingers tightly around the hilt of her dagger as she stared at the ceiling above her straw-filled mat ["above her straw-filled mat" isn't really necessary; ceilings are generally "above" things, yes? This is overwriting, however subtle]. Her dame, a wiry woman nearing forty, stood by the fireplace, one hand on her hip, the other using a hooked metal rod to replace the lid on the heavy, black cooking pot. A plan formed in Grit’s mind as she inhaled the fragrance of Dame Berth’s porridge. ["A plan..." This is vague, and, assuming it's referring to her plan to "prove herself" that you mention a little ways down, it's also unnecessary telling.]

“You’ll miss your Branding if you lie there all day gawking at the ceiling,” Berth scowled [you can't scowl words] just loudly enough for Grit to hear, but not so loudly as to wake the three younger children asleep on mats around the room.

Grit rolled onto her side and studied her bare arm. Fifteen perfect circles, starting at her shoulder and reaching nearly to her elbow in two offset rows, scarred her olive skin. Every year, on the anniversary of her birth, the branding rod etched each scar a little deeper before adding a new mark. [ah, see, this is where things start to get really interesting. Totally intrigued by these circles! I can visualize them, am a little grossed out by them, but more importantly, they have me asking questions about this world--questions that I'm eager to keep reading to find the answer to. You might consider moving this to the very beginning]. Like all Threshan youth, Grit had been collecting these tokens of strength since the day she had achieved one year of life. Now, on the brink of adulthood, she determined to present a show of strength ["determined to present a show of strength" feels a bit awkward. I think you might have been going for that lofty high fantasy voice, but I'm not sure it's quite working here] rarely seen among her people, to prove to herself as well as to her harsh dame that she, Grit of Berth and Stone, was beyond weakness, beyond pain, beyond fear, beyond control. [Okay, so on the one hand, love that she has a plan to be strong and to prove herself--strong female characters ftw! BUT, I'm a bit confused here. Because you just said that, "like all Threshan youth", she's spent her life collecting tokens of strength. So I was picturing an almost Spartan-like society of lots of warriors, yet this last sentence suggests this isn't the case? Also, is being "beyond control" really a sign of strength?]  

“I’m getting up,” Grit growled. [you  can growl words more than you can "scowl" them, perhaps, but don't be afraid of just a plain old "said". If you want to show Grit's irritation, body language that gives readers something to visualize (narrowed eyes, fists clenching her blanket, etc...) is almost always stronger]

She tossed aside her thin blanket and pulled her tunic over her messy head. [is her head messy (seems weird), or just her hair(ah, that makes visual sense)? Specificity is a writer's best friend.]


And there you have it! Now, despite the abundance of glowering orange font, would I keep reading? Almost definitely. Because I'm totally intrigued by those circles on Grit's arm, and I want to know more about this world. So, in essence, these first 250 have done their job for me--despite the fact that there's possibly some room for improvement among them. So, why all the nitpicking, then? Did I really have to go sentence by sentence and tear this poor writer's lovely work apart?

Well, here's the thing you should keep in mind: your first 250 words are a sort of microcosm for your manuscript as a whole. That's how agents/editors are looking at them. And if there's a single, awkward sentence, or even the slightest bit of vagueness here or there--then agents and editors are going to assume that it continues throughout the whole manuscript, whether it does or not (though at least in my critiquing experience, it does more often than not). And though I would keep reading despite a few rough spots in an opening page, an agent who has 500 unread queries in their inbox might be a little less enthusiastic to do so ;)

So, thoughts? Feel free to offer your critiquing suggestions in the comment box, whether you agree or disagree with things I said, and also tell us whether or not this helped you in any way (we'd love to know if it did!). And give a round of applause to this awesome writer who shared their work with us :)