Hey, everyone!
I'll be heading up this round of SeCrits, and I've decided to critique a query this week. I actually like query writing (please don't murder me) so I'd thought I'd help out a reader in this department.
A couple of reasons why I chose the query below:
- It's structurally sound overall, but it still needs a bit of work. Basically, I felt like I could help really tighten this up and polish it with word choice and fluency, which is my strength as a writer, I think.
- It's not a genre I usually read. I don't read a lot of fantasy, but in this case, that's good! Since I'm not really familiar with the nuances of the genre, I think I'm more likely to point out areas that don't make sense to us fantasy noobs, which I think will help the whole thing get clearer.
- I immediately had ideas how to fix it. This one's pretty self-explanatory.
So now, on to the query + crit!
Dear Super Fantastic Agent,
Sera is the heiress to the throne in a different dimension, but no one told her. Consequently, she’s living a normal—albeit, boring—life, and then she’s whisked away by a (very rich and very attractive) guy, who then turns out to be an incubus, working for an evil queen, who is also Sera’s mother.
Sera’s ‘parents’ also forgot to mention they’re actually rebels from Naian—the dimension Sera should be ruling—who stole her when she was an infant. Oh, and there’s this ‘Foretelling,’ something Lucifer made up giving Sera the sole power to decide the outcome of Naian’s civil war. Too bad everyone believes it’s true and is therefore trying to either kiss her ass or kill her.
While she’s on this self-discovery kick, she also learns that she has an alien guy fetish. First the incubus, then her rebel friend, Lux, who she meets on an interdimensional race against the regime for an explanation of the Foretelling. Between solving riddles, facing monsters, traipsing all over hell, and surviving the attacks of Queen Anicetus’ vicious incubus, Sera and Lux get pretty hot for each other.
But, that’s the other problem. The incubus. The dark, sarcastic, damn-near-invincible incubus who oozes sex appeal and never loses. His name is Lord Caden, and he has a thing for Sera.
Though she’d rather not, Sera does have to choose between them—between Lux and Lord Caden, between the rebellion and the crown. To some, it’d be obvious: monstrous regime = no go. But Sera’s still a little annoyed with the people who lied to her for eighteen years, and there’s also the Lux/Lord Caden thing, which she would love to write off as an unimportant factor in deciding the fate of an entire world, but she can’t. Her morality, her friendships, her future, and the liberation of a dimension may be at stake here, but Sera doesn’t know if she can resist Lord Caden.
SHADOW is a YA fantasy complete at 97K, and it is the first in a planned series.
I am a black belt and a barista. I also write stories for local papers in western Montana, and I attended the Backspace Writers Conference last year. The first XX pages of my manuscript are pasted below.
Okay, and now here are my thoughts after a few read-throughs:
Dear Super Fantastic Agent,
Sera is the [If this is YA, we need an age here] heiress to the throne in a different dimension, but no one told her. Consequently, she’s living a normal—albeit, boring—life, and then she’s whisked away by a (very rich and very attractive) guy, who then turns out to be an incubus, working for an evil queen, who is also Sera’s mother. [This is a lot of information in a kind of long sentence. I'd like to see the first sentence, which is just a little confusing and not as big of a hook as I think you'll need, combine with some information in the other sentences. I'm a big fan of the "When X happens, Y happens" format for the first line in queries. Here's an example: "When eighteen-year-old Sera, heiress to the throne of a different dimension, is whisked away from her home by a very hot guy, she thinks she's hit the royal jackpot. But when he turns out to be an incubus (maybe a different word for this, unless it's relevant to the story. I have no idea what it is or if it's good or bad?) working for an evil queen—who just happens to be Sera's mother—she must choose between blah blah blah and blah blah blah. Anyway, that's just a suggestion :)]
Sera’s ‘parents’ also forgot to mention they’re actually rebels from Naian—the dimension Sera should be ruling—who stole her when she was an infant [Something about this is a little confusing. I thought Sera's mother was the evil queen? So the evil queen is her real mother and the people that have been raising her are the rebels? I think this could be clearer. Maybe this: "Sera discovers the people she thought were her parents are actually rebels from Naian, the dimension Sera was born to rule, and they've stolen her right out from under the queen's claws...etc.] . Oh, and there’s this ‘Foretelling,’ [colon here instead of a comma, I think. It'll give it more punch.] something Lucifer [Who's Lucifer? Is it literally the devil in your story, or just someone named that? A little clarification here, even something like "something the devil himself made up...] made up giving Sera the sole power to decide the outcome of Naian’s civil war. Too bad everyone believes it’s true and is therefore trying to either kiss her ass or kill her. [Is Sera discovering this stuff about herself as she figures out she's realizing she should be ruling Naian? Otherwise, how would she know she's supposed to decide the outcome of the civil war, or how would people know she has this ability? I think just a simple "When Sera goes back to her home dimension, she finds that she has the sole power to decide the outcome... blah blah.]
While she’s on this self-discovery kick [Love this!], she also learns that she has an alien guy fetish. First the incubus, then her rebel friend, Lux, who she meets on an interdimensional race against the regime for an explanation of the Foretelling. Between solving riddles, facing monsters, traipsing all over hell [Oh, okay, so we're probably talking about the original Lucifer then. Can you let stupid people like me know that? :)], and surviving the attacks of Queen Anicetus’ [You didn't use her name above, so I wouldn't use it now. "The queen's attacks" would do just fine.] vicious incubus, Sera and Lux get pretty hot for each other.
But, that’s the other problem. The incubus. The dark, sarcastic, damn-near-invincible incubus who oozes sex appeal and never loses. His name is Lord Caden, and he has a thing for Sera. u[I think this paragraph and the one above can be stitched together. A simple line at the end of the paragraph above will help connect the love triangle all in one paragraph: Maybe something like, "But even so, Sera still can't shake the dark and dangerous sex appeal of the incubus who stole her, and as she grows closer to Lux, the incubus never strays far from her thoughts.]
Though she’d rather not, Seradoes have[must] to choosebetween them[not necessary]—between Lux and Lord Caden, between the rebellion and the crown. To some, it’d be obvious: monstrous regime = no go. But Sera’s still a little annoyed [I think she'd have to be more than a little annoyed. I know you put that in there for the "voice" factor, and it would have worked, I think, if an entire dimension wasn't at stake here, haha. I think she needs to be more than a little annoyed to sacrifice an entire world, right? So you can still do the voice thing, but maybe change it to something like "super pissed" etc.] with the people who lied to her for eighteen years, and there’s also the Lux/Lord Caden thing, which she would love to write off as an unimportant factor in deciding the fate of an entire world, but she can’t. Her morality, her friendships, her future, and the liberation of a dimension may be at stake here, but Sera doesn’t know if she can resist Lord Caden. u[I need a bit of a stronger reason to believe that Sera would eff up a whole dimension for Lord Caden. Something like "...if she can resist Lord Caden and the promises he holds." would sufffice.]
SHADOW is a YA fantasy complete at 97K, and it is the first in a planned series.And that's it! Sorry for the obnoxious orange above; I don't like to critique a piece without giving a reason why it doesn't work and also a suggestion for what might work better. Hence the word overflow above. And remember, these are just my opinions. Obviously, keep what works for you and change what doesn't. I'm not the end-all, be-all of query writing!
I am a black belt and a barista. I also write stories for local papers in western Montana, and I attended the Backspace Writers Conference last year. The first XX pages of my manuscript are pasted below.
Alright Secret Lifers, can you help this awesome writer out? Any suggestions for how to make this query shine even more? Are there things that I missed?
I love your bio. The combination of a black belt and a barista is something that stands out as different.
ReplyDeleteFor me, the query felt a bit long. I think the suggestion to combine two of the paragraphs should help with this.
The only thing missing for me was the personal stakes for Sera. Does she have the option of simply leaving this other dimension and going back to her old life? I always like to know what's keeping an mc from walking away from the whole thing.
Great job noticing that! I think the author will be able to fix that in the last paragraph, even just by adding something like "If she doesn't resist the allure of Lord Caden, her dimension will be lost forever."
DeleteThanks so much for commenting!
I agree that the query is a bit long. I've read you should condense your pitch to one or two paragraphs, plus a bio paragraph. It might help to focus on one central theme/conflict. Your goal, as I understand querying, is not to explain everything, but to give the agent a reason to ask for more. Maybe narrow your focus a bit... I felt a little overwhelmed by all the people and details I was supposed to keep track of. It might also help to give yourself a general word limit, cut out what isn't absolutely necessary, and make sure the words make the cut are as forceful as possible.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you have a well-developed plot, with twists and complications at every turn. Good luck querying!
First of all, good job being brave and looking for query feedback. That's essential. Well done.
ReplyDeleteNow, the query.
I find it too voice-y. While I have read queries with a lot of voice that work, often voice just adds a lot of words and doesn't help coalesce the plot. The pages will be there for the agent to reference for writing/voice. The query's job is to tell us the basic plot in a concise fashion.
I'd like to see a strong opening hook that really focuses on the inciting moment for your story. What happens that makes this story HAPPEN? Your current lead-up leaves me a bit confused as to where your narrative begins, and I would worry that the MS had a lot of backstory at the beginning.
After the hook, pile on the conflicts facing our heroine.
Then, make her choice clear--and the stakes and CONSEQUENCE of that choice. You have stakes mentioned, but they lose their power in a list. What is the choice? Really highlight that. Let our eyes settle on it and feel the gravity of her decision. Then hit us with what might happen . . .
And leave us wanting to read your MS to find out if it does.
You have a story with plenty of great conflict. Try to ferret out the central conflict and focus on that.
Melaine's idea to really focus in on a central conflict is an excellent one. :) It helps to let the person reading your letter know what kind of story overall they're getting into (star-crossed love? good vs evil? individual vs the group?). You may have all of those conflicts in your story, but what choice really defines Sera at the end of it?
ReplyDeleteI'd say more that the query has to be precise and persuasive, though. It's really difficult to do this for fantasy (and so mad props to you for putting yourself out here!), since there's so much worldbuilding and magical craziness going on that sometimes it feels like it's impossible to say everything in three or four paragraphs.
Focus down to the kernel of the story. Maybe it's the first scene that really hit you, made you want to write this thing from the start. What compelled you about it? What made you think 'omg I need to write like crazy because this is really emotionally moving and omg the feels'? What about Sera makes her different from other heroines in other fantasy books? Which of her choices might interest someone who's read a lot of fantasy to pick up your ms and give it a read? Tell your readers what makes your book unique, how you add a new twist to dimensions, devils, and incubi and why they should invest time reading your work. :)
Hope this helps and good luck! *waves fantasy writer pompoms and cheers*