SeCrit #3 (First 250 Words)

Title: SIGHTLESS

Genre: YA Urban Fantasy

A warm flush crept up Carly’s neck and onto her face as the crowd in the Flying Owl pressed in on her, their sweat and perfume becoming her own. She edged her way through the throng, pressing against damp backs and oversized purses until she came to a clearing near the bar. Leaning against the wall, she wiped her forehead. Her fingers came away shiny with sweat and make-up.

The voices around her morphed into a single yell as the band walked on stage. Carly tried to catch Tyler’s eye, but he bent over his amp, a crease between his eyes. She knew that nervous look, and it twisted her insides to see it now.

Despite the heat, a cool tingle crept up Carly’s spine. The people around her were looking everywhere but at her, but she couldn’t shake the feeling that she was being watched. She wrapped her arms around herself and searched the crowd. A moment later, the sea of people parted, and Carly locked eyes with a woman leaning against the bar.

Carly searched her face for some sign of familiarity. The woman stood up straight, and Carly saw that she was wearing skintight leather pants, a low-cut red shirt, and black, high-heeled boots. Hardly the wardrobe of a security guard.

           The corners of the woman’s mouth slowly curled into a knowing smile. Carly shivered. A yell went up around her and the crowd closed in around Carly once more.

 Critique:

A warm flush crept up Carly’s neck and onto her face as the crowd in the Flying Owl pressed in on her, their sweat and perfume becoming her own. She edged her way through the throng, pressing against damp backs and oversized purses until she came to a clearing near the bar. Leaning against the wall, she wiped her forehead. Her fingers came away shiny with sweat and make-up. Okay, here's what I get from this first paragraph: She's in a bar and it's hot. The setting itself is fine, but pretty much every sentence mentions or alludes to sweat. To me, that's over-describing just one aspect of the setting. What does this bar and its people feel like, not just physically, but what is the vibe? I get that the bar is packed, but from this description, I imagine a lot of sweaty people standing around. Is that what's happening? I would expect there to be a lot of talking, yelling for drinks, maybe dancing? Also, what is she doing there? I know you start to tell us that in the next paragraph, but you have plenty of opportunity to do it now and really hook me.

The voices around her morphed into a single yell as the band walked on stage. Carly tried to catch Tyler’s eye, but he bent over his amp, a crease between his eyes (do you mean “between his eyebrows”? Between his eyes seems awkward to me. Also, I wouldn't mind a tiny bit more description of Tyler here. Especially if he's the love interest ;) ). She knew that nervous look, and it twisted her insides to see it now. (I like this. I think it shows a lot about the character and the situation in few words. Well done.)

Despite the heat, a cool tingle crept up Carly’s spine. The people around her were looking everywhere but at her, but she couldn’t shake the feeling that she was being watched. She wrapped her arms around herself and searched the crowd. A moment later, the sea of people parted, and Carly locked eyes (“locked eyes” is kind of a cliché saying. Try using your voice to put your own spin on this, maybe?) with a woman leaning against the bar.

Carly searched (watch out for repeating words) her face for some sign of familiarity. The woman stood up straight, and Carly saw that she (you don't really need to tell us this. We know Carly's the one doing the seeing) was wearing (instead of "was wearing" how about "wore"?) skintight leather pants, a low-cut red shirt, and black, high-heeled boots. Hardly the wardrobe of a security guard. (Why are we assuming she's a security guard? This sentence seems to come out of nowhere.)

           The corners of the woman’s mouth slowly curled into a knowing smile. Carly shivered (I feel like I want more here as to why Carly is creeped out by this woman. She doesn't seem too creepy to me.). A yell (I highlighted “yell” here and earlier because you use it for the same thing. I want more of your voice, more description. Was it a frenzied scream? A collective chant of the band's name?) went up around her and the crowd closed in around Carly once more.

Notice how many times the character's name is said? This is one of those things I find tricky about third person. Knowing when to use the character's name and when not to. I think you've used it too much here. 

So, there you have it folks. Thanks to everyone who submitted and special thanks to the author of this submission! I think you have a great start, you just need to allow yourself to embellish, have fun with the words! And remember, folks, we want to encourage all of you to add your own thoughts in the comments!